"I wonder if I have changed in the night"

Sometimes I just can’t get over how fast time has passed! Seriously, two days ago marks my year back in the States. Two years ago I was packing up to leave for Ukraine. Six years ago I left on my first solo adventure (Camp Mataponi) and it has been almost seven years since I met one of my best friends (rounding it to a decade?!) in my freshman year in college. Scary.

What is more nerve wracking about this is that I am having an Alice moment because of this realization:

I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is ‘Who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle! Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

Though, I think Alice had the right of it. She questioned that day whether she had changed in the night. I probably should have followed her example rather than waiting until it was a year, two years, or even seven years. Who was I then? It is easy enough for me to look back at the pictures and be able to see the difference (8” less hair is pretty obvious a change). But what about personality? That is not so easy to see, and more so to even define.

The great puzzle. Who in the world am I? I am Amanda. I am an… well, hmmm…. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a daughter. And technically those do define me and are still accurate. But I could be comatose and they would still apply. So how do I define who I am? I am an opinionated issues voter, I am a goof and an adventurer, I am a want-to-be cook, I am a poet, I am a nerd, and I am learning. I love to play games, but loathe mind games. I am a feminist who respects and cherishes the idea of a homemaker. I pay my own healthcare bills but I got a Furby for Christmas and my boots have sparkles and fur on them. And yet, the sum of this still doesn’t come close to who I am.

As frustrating as not being able to define who I am is, I have to wonder why I am trying to define it. We grow up being told that we can be anything. We can do anything and everything we put our mind to. Then we hit high school and college and all we hear are questions regarding what we are going to be. And the implications with that question entail that you must do something productive and worthwhile, per society norms that is. Society norms… meaning make money, get a nice house, and raise a family. Hmmm, so much for being able to do anything we wanted. Shouldn’t we just ask people whether they are going to be decent, moral human beings? Can we demand of them to make themselves worthy of this world by being charitable, honest, and respectable? Grow up and be somebody that you are proud to be. Grow up and be happy. Grow up and be peaceful.

So I think when I work out this puzzle (on a daily basis) that I should ask if I am proud of myself. If I am happy. If I am making a positive difference on my environment. So I will ask these questions of myself, and work towards accomplishing the goal of being happy. And I shall look everyday into the mirror and wonder about this, because if time continues to pass this fast, it will be 70 years down the line and I will still be lost and confused, as well as most likely in a position where I can’t make the changes I need to make.