It has been an incredibly trying time for me these last two years. I can't even begin to count the number of times I started a poem, a blog, a drawing, or any project for that matter just to give up on it and walk away. I had a job that was one of the most intense learning experiences- for how to deal with difficult coworkers, a fastidious boss, no job training, and of course working with contractors (have to love to hate them). I lost one of my most treasured friends to social drama. I (the sunshine Florida girl) saw *maybe* a total of two months of sunshine. I became a recluse. I drank whole bottles of wine in a sitting. I adopted a cat out of depression. And this was all while trying to cope and heal with the loss of purpose I felt when I was ripped out of Ukraine.
I strongly believe in living a life without regrets: that each and every decision you make comes with a consequence and that is the price you pay for the decision you made. I know that there are things that part of me wishes I could change, to go back and do-over. But then I would not be the person I am today and I don't know that I would give me up for the unknown person I'd become. Like I said, every decision has a consequence- the person I see in the mirror today would be the price I pay to go back and change something. But it is just this attitude, this personal belief that I can't change that made the last couple years so hard for me. I wanted to go back to Ukraine. I wanted to finish what I started there. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to wait and take a different job that would have not resulted in my near alcoholism. I wanted to move back to the state that I swore I would never live in again. I wanted everything to change back to what I knew.
But those years were the kick I needed to get my life going. I can't go back to Ukraine and pick up roots there. I can't go back to college to relive the glory days. I do now, however, have serious marketable job skills, survivor skills, and a beautiful -crazy- cat who would likely have lived out the rest of his life at a shelter. I have been tested and tried, and I walked away. I had a lot of growing up to do, and while I know I am not nearly done growing up I am getting there. And once again I have fallen in love with myself.
I am not perfect... a long way from it. I am proud, boastful, jealous, and selfish. So while I can say that I have moved on from the demanding and threatening life that I had; that I walked away without a single regret would be an incredible fallacy. I will, to my dying day, regret the loss of my friend. She was there for me when I needed her, even when I didn't know I needed her, and she was there to show me just how big this world is and how much a little bit of love can fix and heal. Her heart, worn on her sleeve, is pure gold. She never judged, she was just there for me. She helped me break out of the shell that I had become. She was the most incredible, awe inspiring, intelligent, and strong person. In fact, she still is. In my pride, in my selfish weakness, I tried to test our friendship. I challenged her and propped myself up and pretended that I was somehow more important and wise than I ever will be. Having lost her, I can only live with the regret that I did not just model myself after her. Non-judging, just supporting, and there for her unconditionally. I should have been a truer friend.
I do wish that I could go back and take it back. I wish that I could somehow convey to her the depth of hurt I feel at her absence and how incredibly ashamed I am for acting the way I did. But as that particular opportunity has not yet presented itself (though I will always have hope that it will and I look forward to that day), I can say that I will try my hardest to move forward and never treat another person that way again. I have the most incredible friends, friends who have been there for me when I left them for foreign countries. Friends who have been there for me after I made terrible decisions. And I have the friends who would show up with a shovel, hang out with me in prison, and who will drive across the country if I needed them. And if I shattered and broke with the loss of one, I am certain there is not enough anti-depression drugs in the world that would enable me to survive the loss of another. So I will walk forward in this life, knowing the pain of the loss of a friend and I would ride through hell and back twenty times over before I ever lose another.
It is indeed times like those that show you what is important. And I know that there are many an author, poet, artist that have said that same sentiment before, and in much more eloquent ways. I can only say it from my heart and what I know. And this is what I know now. I know that I have taken from Ukraine the importance of friends and family, that work is a means to an end. I know that I have learned what it truly means to lose someone. And I know that I am ambitious- but never again to be ambitious in the "Western" version of that word. I am ambitious- I want to be a good daughter, a great sister, an awesome friend, an inspiring mom. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to save a life. I want to donate my time and efforts to something that will make the world a better place. I want to sow the seeds of peace and love in my world. I want my people to know me and be glad of it. I want to walk proudly forward knowing that if my legacy is not a mansion, six figure bank account, or corner office that it is a legacy of something good in this world. "That there is still something good in this world and that it is worth fighting for."
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